Self Judgement
I have recently been reminded of the saying “we are our own worst critic”. It has been coming up for me the more I delve deeper into my thought processes and how I see others. It is a direct reflection of how I see myself. My expectations from others are also how I show up for myself. I expect for other people to have harsh opinions about the things I do, say and decide on because that is how I view myself, in a harsh light. The world is tough to navigate yes and especially as a black woman, I feel the need to conform to this idea of what might be deemed acceptable. There are external forces but it is also embedded in what I expect from myself now.
Showing weakness outside of the four walls of my home is not “normal” for me. I love when I see other people be vulnerable in public spaces and I can support them and show them so much grace. But, there is a double standard I have for myself. I hope I am not the only one in this boat. Can anyone else relate?
It is almost like the phenomenon of how we can somehow give someone else such enlightening advise but when we speak internally to ourselves it can be quite the opposite. We tell our friends to “go for it", you’d be amazing, you should chase your dream life”. Then when we come up with private ideas for what we want for ourselves, it becomes “that’s impossible, why would you take such a huge risk, who do you think you are?” I often speak to myself this way in ‘jest’ at least that’s what I tell myself as I laugh it out and call myself hilarious. No girl, you are doing the mean girl thing that you would hate to do to someone else but to yourself.
It is awakening to realize that you are your own bully. When you go to therapy and find the root causes of why you feel the way you do about yourself. Ask yourself, who is perpetuating and keeping this narrative going today? I know that for myself, the distance I take away from people who have harmed me mentally has only stopped that source of the emotional blood loss. There is an internal source of that negativity that was born within you once you took the initial blow from the external source.
If you have seen any doctor show, you have seen where someone has an accident and the doctors are focused on the gnarly gash on their leg or their arm is falling off. Let’s fix that first, but meanwhile.. your spleen is ruptured. This is cause to take immediate action to repair that internal organ that is fatally harmful. The arm or leg can be patched and healed yes, but the hidden trauma inside is going to take more careful work and you need experts to help fix that damage.
Objective Perspective
Psychologists have a term for non-judgmental thought and interpretations, “Phenomenological Empathy”. We might also call this objective thinking. Taking away the hypercritical way of thinking we likely learned growing up can be highly effective in healing the internal wound of self-judgement. When you take on negative labels like ‘Lazy, procrastinator, ugly, fat, bad person’ you in turn start to behave within the lane you have limited yourself to. Phenomenological empathy empowers you to take responsibility for your behavior rather than locking yourself in a cycle of blame.
When we think more objectively and stop placing these huge diagnoses on ourselves, we can be more free. What does this thought process look like? If you are feeling ‘lazy’ you can just say to yourself. ‘I needed some time to recharge’. Also, placing a label can be an excuse to lock yourself into this behavior. If you want to change, then you can call yourself out in a less passive way. Think more action-based thoughts not in a sense of “I need to stop being lazy” but “maybe I can build better habits”. Challenge yourself to not be so passively harsh because that leads to a life that is stunted and without growth.
Mirrors all around
This self-tormented way of thinking is also something that inevitably reflects on others. If we so easily call ourselves lazy, boring, or hard on our bodies’ appearance, guess what? For those who resemble ourselves and our actions, we see the mirror and judge them as well. You can become a critical person of others, the more you look at yourself through the lens of hate, you don’t give yourself a choice but to spread your idea of hating yourself onto others. Yes, there are times that you may be more graceful to people in a way that you are not to yourself, but for the fuller extent of your internal dialogue, there will have to be judgment based on your standards for yourself.
Love,
Eucalyptsis
