An Intrinsic Dilemma
It’s been a while since I’ve written and I realize that I have gotten away from the things that I love for myself that are separate from my family and my work (which I admittedly do not love). So I ask myself why have I gotten so far away from myself? I have created a prioritization list where I fall last and get only what’s left of myself after the days are said and done. On one hand, this makes me noble. I genuinely feel noble saying “oh yeah, I put my family first and strive to be successful”. I know how blessed I am to even have the full life that I have and to be able to pour myself into it. On the other hand, the nobility can sometimes turn into resentment feelings. Thoughts of my younger self being able to go out and take my dog hiking on a random Saturday afternoon then meet up with my friends after work later that night. Is that romanticized, yes but also there was freedom there that I don’t feel I have now. A part of me becomes angry with myself thinking of how I let go of so much. I have coupled some of the things that I loved to do on my own with activities I do with my kids and my husband. I am learning that this is a good thing to provide a sense of pure togetherness but what happened to doing things on my own because I want to?
Reality Check:
I idealize the “alone time” that I might have as me doing all of my favorite things in a two hour span of being locked in a room away from my family. The reality of the situation is not always but usually the same experience of binging a tv show, scrolling on my phone or watching YouTube. Mind-numbing activities that do not bring me closer to myself nor do they contribute to any healing or actual satisfaction. I originally named this article a “Woman’s” Dilemma but I am sure men experience this same thing. You get so far away from your “self” that you start to disengage. The time you spend alone is indulging in vices that separate you from reality. The time you spend with family is in the same manner where you can appreciate the togetherness but you’re not quite sure of your feelings. Not quite sure of yourself and your new role in the dynamics. The reality of it all is that you need not a day, not a “moment” but possibly years to get back to yourself. This is not going to happen by coincidence, no. This will likely need conscious effort.
New Truths:
I have learned through experience that motherhood is a learning curve for every woman. Depending on how you saw your future when you were young, you always have to grapple with your beliefs and reality. We create our own belief sysytems and I am not talking about the surface level beliefs that you may instantly identify with but it’s what we subconsciously take on that haunts us the most. For example, you may consciously believe that you are a queen and you deserve a king. Okay but subconsciously, you don’t trust your husband and those issues come from having an absent or inconsistent father. See, you would have to think about your childhood traumas to uncover the real truth. We give a lot of things face value especially with social media. We posted it that way so it must be true. Millenials are great at this exercise of pretending and presenting in a very curated way. We are all artists. Obviously you’re not going to add the disclaimer of “he quit his job last year” or “he’s emotionally unavailable” to your anniversary celebration photo post. Real life isn’t as simple as socials or any media makes it seem. It is great to “romanticize” your life but let’s just make sure we aren’t lying to ourselves and others in the process.
I keep thinking about how we can exist in our truth authentically. Well I have been challenged by my therapist that “authentic” already puts you in a box for how you exist. The label still limiting and can affect how we interact with the world wanting to be “authentic” in a conscious effort sort of way. So, how can you align with yourself and your feelings most of the time naturally? I think this has to start with awareness. How often are we aware of our true feelings in any given moment? I am probably more oblivious to myself than my husband and kids are. So when it’s time to ask for help it has probably gotten to a point of complete obviousness for me and for people surrounding me. I would like to start catching up to myself in real time. It is exhausting pretending to be okay for weeks and internally weeping until I am worn down enough to ask for a break. Internal audits of “okay how did that make me feel?” Have to happen in real time. Taking a step back and having the patience with myself daily to actually check in as I would my best friend or my mom. Check-ins would help you to be honest with yourself and guide you to have a natural way of being grounded in reality. It takes time to unlearn old habits. It is natural to want to revert and ignore negative feelings. Putting on a mask is the easier route to take when you are in the business of living for others. But we have to live for ourselves whether people like it or not. I am me. Once you get to the point where you are done playing a role in your own life, you will have an unwavering desire to live in your purpose and try to find true fulfillment.
Purpose versus Practical
So now that we are aligned and have done the hard work of connecting with ourselves finding what our purpose is or what we’re called to do, now what? Let’s be real for a moment. We live in a capitalistic society where there are cultural and societal expectations. Households have foundational needs that often require money. Things like food, a home, and even day to day hobbies are things you must purchase and take money to maintain. I think that this is the hardest feat to overcome when you think of your purpose and what you would love to do and try to align this with your 9-5 that sustains the financial health of your household. I am currently grappling with this reality myself. Luckily I have awareness over what I love. For most people it takes their whole lives to realize and have that honesty with themselves. I have learned that I am happier on the days I read pieces of a beautiful novel. I am happier when I write and I feel alive when I am outside in nature. When I try to think about what career I could get into to fulfill these intrinsic needs that I have, I am so lost. My new journey is to step fully into my purpose, putting myself first so that I can pour into what and who I love daily without feeling depleted. Is it possible you ask? I’d like to believe so.
“A society in which vocation and job are separated for most people gradually creates an economy that is often devoid of spirit, one that frequently fills our pocketbooks at the cost of emptying our souls.”
— Sam Keen
Love and Light,
Eucalyptsis
